“…be made new in the attitude of your minds…” Ephesians 4:23
“…And do not be conformed to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your minds…” Romans 12:2
I’m tired of running from loneliness. From numbing, stuffing, distracting myself from the ache of it that comes crashing like desolation; an opening chasm. And I’m not sure if it’ll stop expanding beyond reach, unable to be pulled back, if I don’t squeeze a lid shut on it. But still. I’m tired. Moving beyond the shore means letting go of all the ways I have coped, held breath, frightened to look it in the eye, to sit with it. Always running instead, for fear it could devour me. Whether anything, whether You, will be bigger than it, will be able to hold me from the abyss of the emotional hunger, from the starvation. Without busy distraction, without people, without spending, without acting on the urge to leave an empty house, will You be big enough…?
This was the abyss that You stood on the edge of, wasn’t it? The edge that You plummeted straight into when You asked God where He was? When You cried out to know why He had forsaken You? You know this place. You know the dark edges, the stark, cold depth of it. And you don’t run. You don’t ever run. Because this is where You wait, the place You make Your home, waiting for all the ones arriving at the edges too. You stay with Me in the darkness, walking the labyrinth of my soul, knowing each step by heart, leading me by the hand when it’s too dark to see. It’s slow, faltering, treading over uneven ground in this wild barren place, but You lead me with kindness, with steady devotion, whispering to keep listening and trusting, even when I’m not sure if it’s You. You are confident, strong and I begin to hear Your song coming on the wind.
You allow me to feel the hunger, the gaping ache so I know my screaming need of You. So there is no denying, no escaping, no deflection to shallow substitutes which I have increasingly known will nowhere near do. But the terrible ache is the beginning of freedom. The undefended space that welcomes You. The space that allows room for You. The One who can change it all. Change it beyond all I can think, dream or imagine.
This is rewiring. The changing of the circuits. Renewing the mind; the thought patterns, the reward systems, the source of joy and the driving force. Filling me so deeply with You, flooding me with Your peace and Your hope that this becomes my movement, my breath, my neural pathway, my DNA. You become my beginning, my baseline, my alpha; starting with joy instead of loss; comfort instead of pain; with hope instead of despair. And then You become my healing and my reward, my omega; when trouble and hurt comes, I begin to wait for You instead of finding a shallower fix, a cheaper reward.
This is slow, painstaking work. A lifetime’s work. But I want this and I want You. The real deal. I’m tired of the avoidance and the substitutes. And I know You want this too, that You’ve been waiting for this, waiting for me. So I breathe You in, because this is where we always begin.