So…I have been doing the whole online dating thing. It has been quite something. And one of the things I find myself doing in this dating lark, is trying to be wise. Making wise choices. Trying to discern if something is right or not. Extrapolating future predictions from the data. After all, Proverbs 4:23 talks about guarding our hearts. Proverbs 2:11-12 says that wise choices will watch over you. So wisdom is wise, right?
But I’ve also noticed how this often paralyses me; wondering if it’s wise to show grace and give another chance (forgiveness is biblical and we’re all human, after all). Or whether to call time on something because a small misdemeanour might actually reflect a pretty big values problem. For example, I recently had a lovely first date with a guy who was funny, respectful and engaging. Everything he said and how he behaved showed he was a serious contender. We talked deeply about faith and even went to church together. He agreed that we got on well, had wicked chemistry, he wanted to pursue the possibility of a relationship. All the things. Brilliant. But then he blocked me on the dating site. This threw me into confusion because of the honesty issue; being able to trust that what he was presenting to me, was also the reality. But I also knew that online dating can be weird and in person he seemed straightforward and very unweird, so how much should I read into this unfortunate blocking?
The ins and outs of how all this played out (and it really did play out…) isn’t the issue. But the confusion and anxiety it caused in me is an issue. Because it points to a problem with where I am anchoring myself and where my trust lies. Is it in the man standing before me or in the God whose hands I’m held within? How do I position myself if I really trust that God is my Protector, my Shepherd, my Shield, like He says He is (Psalms 3, 23, 91)?
What I have learned through leaning into this, talking and listening to Him, is that He created me to love, to be soft, to be tender. Think about the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2-3) where we were created to live fearless and unashamed, unconcerned with how to guard and defend ourselves from hurt. Or the fruits of the Spirit (1 Corinthians 13) where love, gentleness and generosity are clearly seen but guarded wariness appears nowhere. Or with Jesus, who was able to remain on the Cross – loving, soft, tender – because He knew His Father remained on the throne and legions of Angels would defend and protect Him if requested (Matt 26:53).
And so even when I’m facing uncertainty and possible disappointment, I’ve felt His quiet whisper that I too can stay loving, tender and soft. Because He is my Protector and my Shield. He takes that role so that I don’t need to withdraw and defend myself. I can just rest, breathe easy and stay open. I can trust that He will lead me towards and away from dating relationships at the right time, in the right way. And I don’t need to become anxious or preoccupied about discerning a wise move, because my Father is moving things into place far better than my own hands ever could. He is like a hedge of protection around me, within Whose walls I am free to live, move and have my being, remaining there where I can just breathe in and breathe out His love, without fear or striving. And when I am hurt, when things go wrong, He will also come close and help me heal.
This place of singleness is not always easy; the uncertainty, wanting to find something good that will last. But still He keeps moving us into wide open spaces, with freedom to love without fear, as we were created to be. Because He knows what He is doing, He is a good Shepherd and we can trust Him.
Hi Nic, really enjoyed reading your post and what you were saying , about working through the confusion, really resonated with me in a wider sense. I imagine we all like to have those honest relationships were we know what someone says or does is real and doesn’t have any hidden motive. I sometimes find myself trying to figure out why someone has done something especially if it feels unfair. You make a really good point about being kind and I think sometimes we should give someone the benefit of the doubt and assume their action didn’t come from a place of ill will while keeping a sensible vigilance. Thanks for sharing and writing.
Thank you, Steve, for visiting and chatting – it’s lovely to see you here. I’m constantly wrestling with myself and in my head with other people over this too! Take care, Nic