Feast
“I am my Beloveds and His desire is towards me” – Song of Solomon 7:10
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies” – Psalm 23:5
“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” – John 6:68
I was made for this. To know the fullness of me, within the fullness of You, because one comes with the other, no distinction, no delineation. In this place, I know Your gaze burning into me, branding my heart with the names Beautiful and Beloved. Your longing for me has been waiting, waiting all along, waiting to be satisfied, because there is nowhere else You would rather be than with me, Your love and Your bride. The ways You surround me, Your delight and pleasure being all I can see, all I can feel, settles me; settles the tides and currents that pull and veer my sense of worthiness, my belonging, of who I am, until You call me back to You, because You have known and defined me all along, even when I’ve wandered. Your reach is long even when my faithfulness is short. Your devotion deep when my attention is shallow; when my eyes, my focus and interest go follying in all kinds of careless ways.
But you woo me to come and feast with You, to feast on You. To come to this table for two that you have prepared for me to linger over with you; to savour, moment by moment, with time for silences, for waiting and long unhidden looks between You and I. I don’t want to rush away, to hurry this. There are so many things that could pull me away, pull me back, back to all the distractions of life, the thoughts and worries and responsibilities and tasks. But I set them to one side because the way to You is narrow, where I am required to fix my eyes through the crowded space to get to the One I love, to get to You.
But this feast is worth it. Because the narrow way leads to the wide open spaces of You. Your beautiful heart comes in layer after layer, where You ask me to stay, please stay, so that You can share secrets that few stay long enough to hear. You sing to the tired aching parts of me, where I’m bruised and sore, speaking in whispered love so that I soften and yield to you: ‘You’re beautiful without adornment, did you know that?’ You speak to me as a lover, pressing your words into me, knowing what my heart needs. And as I open to You, You stir me back to life, joy beginning to bubble through the embers that I didn’t even know I had space left to feel. I tell you I’m so glad You’re here and You repeat the refrain back to me and I didn’t know it could be this sweet with You. Peace comes, yes. Comfort comes too. But the real gift is You. You are the only end that I want. You are the end in itself, not the means by which to find all the other beautiful gifts that come with You.
And so we hold this space in the middle of my enemies. Fear, guilt and loneliness sit and watch, silenced. They watch as You hold my eyes in Yours, leading me to stand, moving me to dance, no longer still and immobilised, but bold, glorious and unafraid with You. This is who You lead me to be, forming me with Your words once again. You are so beautiful. Beautiful and strong. And everything that I ever need. How could I ever be without You? Where else would I go? Here, all the other words that clamour, that I take in and allow to shout, they dissolve, melt and fall away. Your words expand and echo through the empty chamber of my heart that was made to the shape of You, made to be filled only with You and stillness comes, I can breathe again.
When I am battle-weary from the world, bloodied and torn from the war in my mind; where half-truths creep in as reflection, but quickly skew into full-fledged accusation, You rescue me from my thoughts and bring me back to Your heart. Back to this place. This table. This meal where it’s just You and I again. Let me never snack with You. Let me never take quick bites with You whilst feasting with others. Because Your generous heart never withholds from me; You never demand but You always wait and invite me to more; to the more that will have me overflowing from the inside out, settled, secure and at rest with You. The One I love.