Ok, so let’s be real. I’m a grown-ass woman. I have desires. And this unexpected time of living like a eunuch is not ideal.
There are days it’s ok. But other times, the ache and the longing interrupts forcibly. It’s two things: first, a basic desire for sexual intimacy. I could write about that in a lot more detail but then we’d get into a whole other genre. And I will revisit that particular challenge later on.
But the other part is wanting to be wanted. Wanting to be desired. Wanting to be somebody’s someone. Wanting to be significant, cherished, the object of someone’s affection. To be missed when I’m not there.
This isn’t easy, it taps into loneliness. A deeply gnawing ache that demands attention, that won’t be ignored. And I have a choice at those times; to numb, to distract, to meet that need in some way that ultimately leaves me hollow. Sound familiar?
Or I can honour that need, give it the weight that it deserves. Because these longings simply point to my actual, real, God-given value, to the significance that I already have but that just isn’t being recognised in human terms, right now.
I had a frank conversation with Jesus about this. About how He is meant to be able to satisfy my every longing, every need, but that I wasn’t feeling His love for me in the way that I really needed. I asked Him to help me feel it deeply enough, real enough.
Then I listened to a track that usually allows me to connect with Him, with lyrics ‘I just want You, nothing else will do…’. I always picture Jesus in front of me, focusing on Him. But this was immediately, shockingly different. He was hanging on the cross in front of me. Bloodied, crown on head, dying. But He was looking right at me. And His eyes were saying the lyrics written for Him right back to me; “…nothing else, nothing else will do, I just want you”. This was a stunning, immediate response to my honest prayer. A response full of desire and strong, fierce love. It spoke to my core, where it was needed.
The point is, He might not meet with you in the same way that He meets with me. But He will meet with you. If you give it room, time, allow it to grow.
Matthew 27, Mark 15, Luke 23, John 19 – Crucifixion accounts