When I Do What I Shouldn’t

There are times when it is really difficult to turn to Him first. To look for Him in the middle of desire, when it’s a real ache; restless, physical. Because this means stilling, waiting, and being quiet. It’s so much easier to run into real arms. The quick fix, even though it will ultimately leave us wanting, because it’s not the real intimacy we were made for.  

We’re human, aren’t we? Frail. A bundle of nerves, needs and instincts. Paul talks in  Romans 7:15 about how he does the things he knows he shouldn’t, that he doesn’t want to do. But our Maker knows this. He loves humanity enough that He became flesh. And not only that but He loves humanity enough that He’s stayed flesh. He didn’t hang up His skin as soon as His task on earth was done. He kept it with nail wounds, and spear marks, showing that He knows how easily we bruise, and the struggles we have. That He is forever aligned with us, in this struggle with us. 

Two years ago life fell apart. And I’ve been trying to pull my life back together, clawing back parts of myself that I didn’t even know I’d lost.  

Returning to singleness after a 24-year marriage has been like a shocking, ice-cold plunge pool, without prior warning, without knowing I really needed to take a deep breath first.  And I have never been the focus of such laser-tuned male testosterone before, never spoken to in this way before. Grown men in their 30s and 40s are very different to the 17-year-old boys I dated last time. It has been dizzying, intoxicating at times. Being the object of a man’s gaze and desire, being pulled towards him, but not in a way that would reflect His words of precious, beloved, chosen over me. And in those times, in the aftermath, I’ve wanted to hide, listening to the lie that maybe I was losing my way, even from Him too. 

But He went ahead of me even in that place, just as He said He would (Deuteronomy  31:8). 

Before this time even began, He whispered clearly about just staying close to Him, no matter what. To let nothing get in the way of me and Him. I had no idea what was coming,  but He did. So clinging onto His words, despite losing grip on everything else, I would tentatively say ‘I’m here, I’ve got all this mess. But You said to still come.’ 

And shockingly, I was brought to my knees, not with remorse for what had happened, but because of the depth of His delight, burning into me as He said ‘I am still here. I will never leave you’. He was tangibly close, with no sense of the disappointment that I was feeling over myself. Only joyful love. Proper deep, full, resounding love. 

It is always His delight to stay, never His duty. 

This is how He works. Turning our faces to His, locking eyes, reminding us who we are to  Him, even as we are doing what we shouldn’t. And in this place He gently unwinds us and restoration can begin. Just stay close, no matter what.

(Bible refs: Job – an allegory of God’s faithful response to our unfaithfulness. Romans 7:15 – human frailty, we do what we do not wish to do).